FuckYou Company Public Ltd (Episode Two)

The Wrath on HR

Let us analyze companies from an employee perspective. Yours truly was an employee once, thus my sympathies. And as I have practically been unemployed since last 13 months, today’s centre of wrath would be HR persons.

All of us at some point in our life have faced these all knowing avatars of Sigmund Freud. They act as if they are Gods and control the pulse of our life. They are the chief justices who decide whether we would be send to gallows or a life sentence.

Also, won’t each of you agree that interviews are the most fake processes in this world? HR would be asking you pathetic questions and you would be lying all along. In one of my interview (I had waited for about 6-7 hours for that interview to happen) I was asked where my friends are working and their designations. What the fuck is the meaning of such a question.

Let us visit an interview which I am dying to appear for:

ME: (all smiling) may I come in sir?

HR: (trying to give out a fake smile) yes you may…

HR: kindly take the seat

ME: Thank you

HR: would you like to have some water, Mr. Me

ME: (“only if the water is mixed with scotch”) no thank you sir

HR: so Mr. Me, tell me something about yourself

ME: (pissed off by answering this same question time and again) sir, it’s already mentioned on my CV that you are holding. You must have heard that redundant processes are not good for any organization, then why waste time on redundant question and answer.

HR: (slightly taken aback) it’s good that you are well versed with operations management. Let me rephrase my question. Tell me something about yourself that is not mentioned in your CV.

ME: shall I lie or tell you the truth. I hope that being frank won’t be held against me.

HR: no it would not. Kindly tell me the truth.

ME: (trying to control my laughter) I am the most hardworking, greatest teamplayer, 100% target achiever, most intelligent and amazing person that you will ever meet.

HR: (startled again) that’s great. Could you cite some examples Mr. Me.?

ME: (loving it) I would definitely like to, but as I am bound by the NDAs(Non Disclosure Agreement) signed with my clients, it would be unethical on my part to disclose anything. I hope that being such an ethical organization, you would appreciate my dilemma.

HR: (dazed and confused) OK Mr. Me, tell me something about you family background.

ME: well, I come from a decent middle class family. My mother is a home-maker and my father is an underworld don.

HR: (cursing the black cat that crossed his path in the morning) an underworld don???

ME: how does it matter what my family does. Even if he were a civil servant, how does it would still matter? By the way, my father is more honest than a civil servant. Does hearing this makes you happy?

HR: (changing the topic completely, and sweating slightly) your CV tells me that you have been unemployed for some time, any peculiar reason for the same.

ME: I don’t know. You are a HR person. You would be better equipped to throw some light on this matter.

HR: (careful, so as to not to offend me) I would love to offer you my view, but it would take more than one meeting to arrive at a definite conclusion.

ME: (“this is it, this is my revenge”) Let me help you here. HR persons who interview me fall dead within 3 days of taking my interview. Thus, my job offer also dies with them.

HR: (fucked up completely, desperate, on the verge of pleading) I don’t get it, what happens to them, are you involved in it, please please let me know. Please spare me.

ME: (enjoying my moment of glory) that is for you to answer me from the fourth day from now. (I leave the interview room).